Attend the Tale of Sweeney Smaug
by King in Yellow
Summary: Kasy and Sheki's pet has developed a controversial taste in snacks, with some Middleton residents wanting to give him a medal and others thinking he should be shot. Largely a courtroom drama with Shego once again defending Smaug in a case devoid of precedents. The fate of the family beast will be in the hands of people too dumb to get out of jury duty. Best Enemies series.
1. Attend the Tale of Sweeney Smaug

Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from the Kim Possible series are all owned by Disney. OCs are my own. NoDrogs created Kasy and Sheki, I changed their origin.

DNAmy presented Smaug to Kasy and Sheki on their fourth birthday (_Fears and Favors_) nine years earlier. When animal control charged the Possibles with keeping an exotic animal within city limits Shego defended the family pet (_Middleton vs. Possible_) and in a Pyrrhic victory Smaug was legally ruled a very ugly dog.

**Attend the Tale of Sweeney Smaug**

The problem was not the cat that Smaug ate. There was nothing remarkable about the cat, a black-and-brown calico with two white, front paws. It was not the first cat that Smaug had eaten. In defense of the Possible family beast it must be pointed out that Smaug had not left his own yard, the cat had been trespassing – this was a fact which was not denied by even the loudest supporters of the late Mr. Muffy Mittens.

The problem might not have been the occasional visitors to Middleton who were told stories about Smaug and stood on the sidewalk, staring through the high, wrought-iron fence, hoping to see the family pet, and wondering if the thing which had been described to them could be real or represented a huge exaggeration in regard to something relatively mundane.

By a very narrow definition it might even be argued that the Middleton visitor who took a video of Mr. Muffy Mittens suffering what surely would be called a 'bad ending' in a Japanese video game was not to blame. The problem began when a friend, to whom he sent a copy of the video of Smaug's snacking habits, thought it might have an appeal for a wider audience and posted it on the internet.

By the time the video reached thirteen million, six-hundred and twelve thousand, four hundred and nineteen hits there were clearly drawn lines of demarcation between the three schools of thought in regard to the film. Lovers of cats thought Smaug should be executed by a firing squad. Bird lovers thought he should be given a medal of honor. Many remained certain that the video was a hoax, creatures like Smaug simply didn't exist. (Although it must be pointed out that the hoax camp was subdivided into those who believed if such creatures did exist they should not be devouring cats, those who believed if such a creature existed it should have the right to defend its turf against cats (which should all be shot anyway), and those who simply thought, "Whoa, wouldn't it be cool if this was real? Wonder if we could borrow him for our Renaissance Fair?")

The controversy escalated with a white, Styrofoam cross leaning against the fence at the point closest to where Mr. Muffy Mittens became dragon chow. Flowers were laid in memory of the cat, candles lit, and small stuffed cats were left reverently in place. Bird watchers responded with signs on the fence such as "Go Smaug" or "The cat died for your sins."

"Someone at work told me there is a website called Campaign to Bring Smaug to Justice," Kim mentioned at dinner.

"Someone in your office has too much time on his or her hands if they're surfing the web for that trash," Shego grumbled and helped herself to the kasha before passing it to Kasy.

"What does bring Smaug to justice mean?" Jane wanted to know.

"Taking him to court or something," Sheki told her little sister. "Putting him in jail or the electric chair or suing him or something."

"Can they do that?" Kim asked.

Shego shrugged, "Pretty sure there's no way in hell to file a criminal complaint."

While there was no legal basis for a criminal complaint it didn't stop cat people from phoning the DA's office a hundred times a day to demand an arrest. Social media was filled with complaints about the lack of legal action. This escalated when it was discovered that Briana Crandall, the DA's daughter, was a friend of the Possible twins. The cat campaigners called for the DA's resignation, or impeachment, or flogging, or something appropriate to the crime of conflict of interest which kept him from his duty.

When it reached a point that the volume of phone calls and complaints took more time in the DA's office than legal work Steve realized he needed to do something. Later in the day he called Shego to apologize.

"Sharon, I'm afraid I've got bad news."

"Shit," Shego groaned. "Don't tell me there's another video of Smaug eating a cat."

"I had to throw you under the bus."

"What the hell? You're filing a criminal charge?"

"No. Nothing criminal, you know that."

"Then what do you mean you're throwing me under the bus?"

"I had a talk with one of the organizers of Campaign to Bring Smaug to Justice. I tried to explain, in very tiny words, why there's nothing criminal-"

"Probably too stupid to understand what you were saying."

"I think she understood. I just hope she can do something to stop the calls to my office. Anyway, she seemed to accept it was out of my hands. I told her there was nothing criminal. So she said, 'Then there's nothing the law can do?' and I told her about a civil suit."

"She has no grounds for civil action."

"I told her that. I told her only the cat owner could file a civil suit in regard to legal chattel. She said thanks and told me she'd call a lawyer and Mrs. Ragsdale."

"Great," the green woman grumbled, "so now I get to prepare for a frivolous lawsuit?"

"Maybe Mrs. Ragsdale won't agree. Maybe no lawyer will want to… Oh, wait, there is always some lawyer willing to do anything for money."

"You're a lawyer too you son-of-a-bitch," she reminded him.

"Nah," he laughed. "I'm the DA. I try to put the criminals away. Your job is to convince the judge and jury the slimeballs are outstanding citizens. And if my office gets bogged down with wasting all its time on cat calls criminals will roam the streets of Middleton and there won't be any trials for you to defend the rights of crooks."

"So you're not a lawyer, you're a humanitarian?"

"I'm sorry, Sharon, really. But they're calling for my head and there's an election next year. Besides, some of them had to realize the truth already. I just went to the top and tried to get some sense into them faster. We'll have your family over for dinner when this dies down a little, okay?"

"You're not going to be so gutless that Briana won't be allowed to come over, are you?"

"No, she's free to… Tell you what, if there actually is a civil suit you can call me as a character witness for Smaug."

"I might take you up on that," Shego laughed.

Ragsdale vs. Possible was filed at the end of the week. Counsel charged negligence and sought actual damages – both the value of the cat and compensatory damages for the emotional damage caused by the loss of same – along with punitive damages to insure it never happened again. The cat-lovers assured Mrs. Ragsdale they would pay all the legal expenses involved - both court costs and hiring a lawyer. On Monday Shego filed the counter charges, calling the lawsuit frivolous and seeking compensatory damages for the emotional pain and distress suffered by the Possible household and repayment for any legal fees incurred in fighting the suit.

Shego feared she would have to work _pro bono_ in Smaug's defense. But as cat lovers across America and around the world sent in money for the Mr. Muffy Mittens Memorial Legal Defense Fund the Audubon Society, various SCA chapters, the AKC, and other pro-bird or pro-dog lobbies began sending donations to Armstrong, Bennett, Dashwood, and Zinski. Seeing it as wonderful publicity ABD&Z announced it would reduce its usual fees by twenty-five percent, and any money left above fees at the end of the trial would be donated to the Audubon Society. (Even with a twenty-five percent discount the firm would still make a healthy profit. And the fact that every news story referred to ABD & Z as 'Middleton's most prestigious law firm' – whether it was true or not – planted the idea firmly in the minds of the readers and hearers.)

Vendors of novelty t-shirts made money before the trial started, and figured they would make a lot more if the trial continued long enough. One of the pro-cat tees proclaimed "I Stand With" and featured a picture of the late cat underneath. The anti-cat lobby responded with a tee which proclaimed, "I Stand On" and featured a cartoon drawing of a man standing on a cat. The Catholic Church condemned a pro-cat t-shirt which featured an image Mr. Muffy Mittens with a halo suggesting sainthood. Perhaps the most popular of the anti-cat tees asked the question, "What is the difference between?" Below the question were two images, a photo of a cat and a drawing of a stylized pile of dog shit. And below the images was the answer, "7 hours."

* * *

"I hear the media circus just got bigger," Steve Crandall remarked to Judge Carnahan during a conversation at the Middleton court building.

"Yep. New Ragsdale team. Apparently the people funding this didn't think local counsel was aggressive enough, or maybe our attorneys just know how weak the case is."

"Do the cat people really have enough to hire Byron Judge? I can't imagine he needs the money. I figure, if he's coming, he's just doing it for the publicity."

"He's coming," the judge groaned. "Turns out he's got some kind of fancy long-hairs. So he may be taking it personally. I had planned on this taking an hour, but with him representing the plaintiff I've got it blocked in for a week."

"They're not going to make it easy for you, are they?"

"You heard I was asked to recuse myself from the case? I'd have been happy to bow out. But there's not another judge who wants it, and Sharon's arguing I'm wonderfully fair. Which, of course, makes the Ragsdale lawyers more convinced than ever that I'm not."

"What was their argument when they asked you to recuse yourself?"

"They claimed that since I'm the judge who ruled Smaug was legally a dog I'm obviously incompetent."

"Think that will come up at the trial?"

"I hope not – which means it will of course."

"Of course." Steve shook his head. "You know, the one I feel sorry for is Agnes Ragsdale."

"Yeah," the judge agreed. "I think she's getting pushed around by the people who claim they're just standing up for her, but they're just interested in making their own points... You didn't hear me say that."

"Didn't hear a thing." The DA wished the judge good luck with the upcoming trial and headed for a hearing of his own.

News that Byron Judge would be handling the plaintiff's case brought Alice to the office on an almost daily basis. "Do you want Adam or another more experienced attorney to help you?" she asked Shego for the third time that day.

"I'll be fine. I had a great teacher."

"Don't try flattery. The whole office looks bad if you lose this one. Half the planet will be hearing about it."

"They don't have a decent case."

"That won't stop Judge. He'll bog things down with minutia and pointless tangents until the facts become irrelevant."

"You seem pretty sure of his strategy. You've followed him?"

"Nah, its what I'd do with a crappy case."

Shego chuckled and softly sang,

_"I'll never throw dust in a juryman's eyes  
(Said I to myself-said I),  
Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise  
(Said I to myself-said I),  
Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force  
In Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce,  
Have perjured themselves as a matter of course  
(Said I to myself-said I!)."_

"More of your Gilbert and Sullivan?"

"Yes. Iolanthe."

"Well, don't do it in court. Want me to sit with you?"

"If you sit at the defense table it means you don't trust me. It hurts my rep."

Alice thought for a minute. "You're right. Still good to have a second pair of eyes and ears. Take an intern with you."

"You stink at being retired, you know that? You're supposed to stay home and let us run things here."

"I'm a founding partner, and you have to listen to me until you pry the bottle of bourbon from my cold, dead hands."


	2. Smaug Would Blink & Cats Would Scuttle

Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from the Kim Possible series are owned by Disney. All registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage. NoDrogs created Kasy and Sheki, I have changed their origin.

If you missed the allusion: prior to Mrs. Lovett using the pie filling supplied by Sweeney Todd she served cat meat pies. The story title, and this chapter title, are from The Ballad of Sweeney Todd which opens the play but is not in the movie.

Thanks to Jonshine, Invader Johnny, LJ58, List of Romantics, Dr. Rex Greylin, A Markov, Thomas Linquist, and noncynic for reviews. Those of you who were late - I know your names.

**Smaug Would Blink, and Cats Would Scuttle **

Despite numerous requests Judge Carnahan held firm that no cameras would be allowed in the courtroom. Videos could too easily be edited to make even something reasonable sound foolish. He uttered a vain prayer that everything said in court would sound reasonable.

On Monday morning counselor Judge fired the opening salvo by declaring his client wanted to exercise her Seventh Amendment rights and demanding a jury. He didn't endear himself to the judge in suggesting, by implication, that he found Carnahan incapable of offering a fair and impartial decision on the merits of the case.

Shego leaned over and whispered to the intern beside her, "I'll bet Mrs. Ragsdale doesn't even know what the Seventh Amendment says."

* * *

"So, why did he ask for a jury," Sheki asked at dinner that night. "Wouldn't it have just been easier to let the judge decide?"

"It would have been, and perfectly legal," the green woman told her. "But he had two reasons. Who wants to guess?"

Kim spoke first, "I'm guessing average people may not understand the law - and if the case is as clear as you say it should be - he wouldn't want people who realized that."

Shego nodded. "That's one. Anyone want to try for number two? Sheki? Kasy?"

"Who sets the money to be paid," Sheki asked, "the judge or the jury?"

"And we have a winner," Shego told her. "They're more likely to feel sympathy and award a ridiculous penalty in case of a conviction."

"What was that Seventh Amendment thing?" Kasy wanted to know.

"Right to a jury when the case involves a sum over twenty dollars."

"That isn't much."

"It was when the Constitution was written. Now it's just an opportunity for nincompoops to waste time and money."

"What's a nincompoop?" Jane wanted to know.

"Someone who's always causing problems and isn't too bright," Sheki whispered loudly to her. "Like Kasy."

As the twins started a verbal duel Shego sighed and turned to Kim, "I distinctly remember it was your idea to have children."

"It seemed like a good idea at the time. They used to be so cute... Then they became teenagers." Kim turned to their younger daughter, "Don't grow up. Stay just the way you are."

Jane looked at her sisters and promised to try.

Tuesday morning was spent trying to pick a jury. It did not go well. Byron Judge kept rejecting potential jurors for what he insisted was cause. It was obvious he was trying to select jurors with a cat bias. When he finally accepted a juror Shego used a peremptory challenge to reject the juror.

Tuesday afternoon the trial was in recess as the lawyers for the two sides argued in the judge's chambers about guidelines for acceptable jurors.

Over the course of Wednesday the jury of six was selected, along with two alternates.

In his opening statement on Thursday the plaintiff's lawyer leveled an accusation of negligence against the Possible household for harboring a dangerous animal.

"Objection," Shego called. "Legally Smaug is considered a dog. He is properly licensed and -"

"That is not a dog," counselor Judge interrupted.

"Then you want to tell me what he is?" Shego demanded.

"It doesn't-"

Judge Carnahan rapped his gavel for order.

"Mr. Judge, are you prepared to say what you think Smaug is?"

"No, your honor. But if I brought a five hundred pound cube of metal into court you might not be able to tell me what the metal was - but you could state with certainty that the thing was not a bowling ball."

"Objection overruled. Kindly let plaintiff's counsel finish his remarks."

Shego's opening remarks included a mention of the high, iron fence and 'beware the dog' signs clearly posted.

"Objection," Byron Judge called.

"What's your problem," judge Carnahan sighed.

"Smaug is not a dog. I thought we established that."

"We haven't established squat," Shego told him. "And I didn't say he was a dog. I said we had 'beware the dog' signs clearly posted. Beware of the dog signs are a warning tradition going back to ancient Rome, _cave canem_. What do you want us to say, 'Beware of something, but we're not entirely sure what'?"

Plaintiff's council was prepared and pulled several 8 x 10 photos from a folder in front of him. "Let the record reflect that the signs do not say, 'Beware of the dog', the signs read 'Beware of the poisonous dog'. I would like these photos tagged as exhibits."

Byron Judge argued that the case could not be properly adjudicated until it was established exactly what Smaug was. Shego wasn't sure that was even possible, but judge Carnahan agreed to postpone the trial until the next week to allow for a preliminary investigation.

Kasy and Sheki took Smaug to various departments at Middleton University to be examined. He did not do well around large groups of strangers and Kim and Shego hoped he didn't get nervous and bite anyone. Sheki carried vials of antidote in her backpack – just in case. He seemed to understand that biting people was wrong and hadn't done it in several years, but it would be a very bad time to chew on the arm of a graduate student trying to take a DNA sample and Shego had faith that if anything bad could happen it would certainly happen at the worst possible time.

Shego waited nervously at the defense table on Monday before the trial resumed. She had no idea what the genetic tests on Smaug might say, but couldn't imagine anything which would do her side any good. Byron Judge looked far too happy at the other table as court was called back into session.

Dr. Vernon Threde, from Middleton U, was sworn in as the first witness on Monday morning. He was in his sixties with a face creased with smile lines, very little hair on the top of his head, and moved with the bounce of a much younger man.

"You have examined the DNA of the creature known as Smaug—" counselor Judge began.

"Objection, your honor," Shego protested. "Smaug is Smaug. I assume Mr. Judge would object to the innuendo of being called either the lawyer known as Byron Judge or Byron Judge known as the lawyer."

The judge looked at plaintiff's lawyer, who sighed, "Fine. Dr. Threde. You examined the DNA sample from Smaug?"

"Sure did. Had some grad students helping me. Busy all weekend. We've wanted to run tests on ol' Smaug for a long time."

"And did you come to any conclusions about Smaug's identity?"

"Nope."

"Your research found nothing?"

"You didn't ask that. You asked if I had conclusions. Heck, I think I've got more questions now than I did last week."

"Let me rephrase the question. What did you find during the course of your tests?"

"Well, our best guess is—"

"Objection," Shego protested "we are here to deal with facts. Not best guesses."

The judge looked at the witness, who shrugged. "I can tell you the facts we found. But facts need interpretation. You'd need a degree in genetics for the facts we've got so far. I can't even explain some of the facts, just give you our best hypotheses based on what we found."

"Please use the phrase 'best hypothesis' in your testimony then rather than 'best guess'. And continue."

"Your honor," Shego protested again.

"I want to hear this," the judge told her. "Overruled."

"We've never seen anything like him, your honor. Our best gu- hypothesis in regard to origin is that he was probably produced by Dr. Amy Hall - brilliant woman in the field of recombinant DNA who teaches in Denmark – or maybe some disciple of Dr. Hall. There are genetic characteristics of a number of different animals in—"

"Were any of them canine?" Shego called.

"Will you drop the damn dog defense? It is not a dog," Byron judge scoffed.

Shego's eyes narrowed and she glared at opposing counsel, "Maybe his mother wasn't careful about who she slept with. I've heard some bitches are like that." Shego's intern grimaced and pulled at her sleeve to get her to sit down.

"Your honor!" counselor Judge sputtered. "That sort of personal attack is entirely—"

"There was no personal attack," Shego insisted. "I was talking about a female Great Dane who mated with a Chihuahua – although everyone wondered who put him up to it. If Mr. Judge sees something of his own family life in the old joke, well…"

"Counsellor O'Ceallaigh, the innuendo is clear, and clearly out-of-line. I will remind you of something you should have learned in law school – your cross examination of the witness will come after opposing counsel has asked his questions. Kindly remain seated through Dr. Threde's testimony unless there is something so egregiously improper that an objection is fully warranted." Carnahan turned to opposing counsel, "And you, don't do anything egregiously improper. I'm on my last nerve until after lunch and we've only been here twenty minutes."

Byron Judge continued his questions, "Did some of the genetic characteristics you find fit the profiles of dangerous creatures?"

"I'm not sure what you mean by dangerous creatures. I mean, the most dangerous creatures on the planet are people. I don't think we found anything that dangerous."

The jury chuckled.

"Smaug is supposedly poisonous. Can you confirm that?"

"Yes. The poison seems consistent with the _Helodermatidae_ and—"

"Hello what?"

"_Helodermatidae_, the family which includes the beaded lizards."

"And is the poison dangerous?"

"I'm pretty sure all poison is dangerous. That's why they call it poison. Do you mean, is the poison especially virulent?"

"I… I meant to ask are beaded lizards aggressive in nature, but yes – is the poison virulent?"

Dr. Threde shrugged, "Not as much as some snake venom. Some enzymes in _Helodermatidae_ venom have been used in diabetes medication. I talked to some researchers in the medical department who—"

"Is the poison virulent, that was the question. Is it strong enough to kill a human being?"

"Yes… Well, probably strong enough to kill a human being. We didn't test it on anyone."

Because the work had been done over the weekend and he had not had a chance to read the initial reports – or perhaps because of hubris and a conviction Smaug truly was dangerous – Byron Judge forgot one of the basic rules of the legal profession, never put a witness on the stand unless you known exactly what he is going to say. "Are beaded lizards aggressive in nature?"

"Well, I'd prefer the term _helodermatidae_. It's the family name. The beaded lizard and Gila monster are two examples within the family and-"

"Are the hello things aggressive?"

"No. Not really. Pretty placid guys. Not active in seeking prey like the _varanidae_ family, the monitor lizards. Those guys can be aggressive when hunting. The _helodermatidae_ are kind of laid back and pretty much only attack in self-defense."

After several questions which didn't establish anything of value for either side of the case Judge hoped to end his examination of the witness with a strong point.

"Hopefully I'll pronounce it correctly this time. An important issue in this trial is whether Smaug represents a threat to the larger community. This is why it is important to try and define exactly what the creature is. If I understand you correctly you would classify Smaug in that _helodermatidae_ family – a gigantic poisonous lizard."

"Umm. No, I wouldn't classify him like that."

"But you said—"

"I said his poison is similar to the _helodermatidae_ family, maybe some of the coloring too. But I began my testimony by saying there are many different sets of characteristics in Smaug. I wouldn't attempt to classify him at all."

"Hypothetically, if you were forced to classify Smaug, how would you—"

"Objection," Shego protested. "No one is forcing the witness to make a classification. He's already testified he can't classify Smaug, in his opinion as a scientist, and now he's being asked to give the court an unsubstantiated guess."

Judge Carnahan thought a minute, "Counselor, you are correct. The answer to the question requires supposition and does not represent scientific fact. However, I'm over-ruling you. I want to hear Dr. Threde's opinion." He turned to the jury, "What you are about to hear probably should be termed a tentative hypothesis at best. But it's coming from an expert witness, and that's why I am allowing it in court – but you must recognize the witness himself sees that as a very preliminary report with a wide margin for error." The judge then turned to the witness, "Consider yourself forced to give an opinion, even if it is a lightly held opinion. If you had to classify Smaug, based on a very preliminary examination and not nearly enough time to evaluate the evidence properly – how would you like to classify him? Please direct your answer to counselor Judge."

Dr. Threde looked at the plaintiff's lawyer. "Well, I'd like to call him a dinosaur, but-"

"A dinosaur?"

"I won't. I said I'd like to. Dinosaurs are extinct, so not a dinosaur. Wish I could say dragon, but dragons are mythological so I won't say dragon either. My initial inclination is more towards bird than anything else."

"A bird?" Byron Judge repeated in disbelief. "He's got four legs."

"And wings."

"Those aren't bird wings. Other things have wings. I don't know how—"

The judge interrupted, "Dr. Threde? Could you elaborate briefly on why that is your initial, and very preliminary, opinion?"

"Smaug shows characteristics of various creatures. Superficially one might be tempted to say reptilian. The reason I might say bird is his skeletal system. Some dinosaurs had a pelvic structure similar to modern lizards, while some had a pelvic structure more like modern birds. The pelvic structure on Smaug is avian. Birds also have light bones to make flight possible. Smaug's bones themselves are light, similar to those of a bird. One of my grad students thinks Smaug may smell like a bird too."

"Smell like a bird?"

"Another preliminary theory. The olfactory sense is important for most animals. Compared with dogs we humans are blind in the nose. We've got equipment to try and measure that in the lab. One of my grad students thought that the pheromones that—"

"Pheromones?"

"A naturally produced, secreted or excreted chemical. They can have a variety of purposes, identifying who is a part of your group, marking territory, attracting mates or other functions."

"Dr. Threde," counselor Judge asked in an excited tone, "since Smaug smells like a bird—"

"I think it's too soon to state that as a certainty."

"Well, if it is true – would that mean that essentially Smaug lured cats to their deaths?"

"Luring sounds terribly deliberate. You can't control your pheromones any more than you can control your eye color."

Byron Judge continued, "Functionally, however. In terms of function, if it is true that Smaug smells like a bird wouldn't that result in drawing cats to him?"

The professor thought a few seconds, "I suppose it might."

"So, assuming that further research confirms this finding, Smaug would represent a potential threat to cats and other creatures who might be lured by his scent to their destruction?"

Dr. Threde shrugged. "Yes."

Byron Judge smiled, "No further questions for this witness at this time."

The judge looked to Shego, "Do you have any questions for Dr. Threde?"

Shego nodded and stood, "Dr. Threde, if it turns out that Smaug does indeed smell like a bird, I'm a little curious about exactly how it would serve as a lure. You mentioned pheromones being used to attract mates. I'm assuming that cats wouldn't interpret Smaug's odor as, "Hey baby, come to see me for a good time."

The professor chuckled, "I should say not."

"So, why would cats think Smaug was giving them a come hither – if it turns out cats are attracted, why are they coming into the yard?"

Byron Judge knew exactly where the question was going, "I object, counsel is asking the witness for speculation, not a fact."

"Mr. Judge," the judge warned him sternly. "You wanted Dr. Threde's opinion to be presented to this court ten minutes ago. I will give the defense attorney the same courtesy I gave you." He nodded at the witness.

"Well," the professor acknowledged, "assuming that Smaug does smell like a bird I would imagine that cats are coming over looking for a meal."

"So, cats would be coming over hoping to kill and eat this creature they smell?"

"Probably."

Shego chuckled, "Sounds like poetic justice. Cat comes looking for something small and helpless to kill and ends up in someone else's digestive tract."

* * *

It was obvious to the pro-cat lobby that the first day of testimony had not gone well. A small group of feline extremists gathered on the sidewalk outside the fence around the Possible home.

"We've got to do something."

"That damn thing is dangerous."

"And it's sure as hell no bird."

"We need it to bite someone."

"What?"

"Sure, that's the answer. It bites someone. It's poisonous - that will show—"

"You want it to kill someone?"

"No one needs to die. They've got to have an antidote or something. We just need someone to get bitten. We rush him or her to the hospital. He's fine, but we've demonstrated that Smaug is dangerous."

"How do we get it to bite someone?"

"We… How about we throw rocks or something at it next time we see it outside?"

"Isn't that cruelty to animals or something?"

"It's a cat-killing machine. Who knows how many cats it killed before it got caught on that video? How many more will it kill? Maybe it can attract other things too."

They looked around nervously at the others in the group, hoping someone would volunteer to offer an arm or leg to the jaws of Smaug. No one volunteered.

Fortunately the Middleton police were keeping an officer on the sidewalk outside the Possible home to deal with the loonies and to keep the two sides separated.

With the curious on the sidewalk around the Possible home the twins and Jane were under orders to keep Smaug inside. Given his liking to lie out in the sun he resented what he regarded as ill treatment and 'forgot' to use his litter box.

When Kim got home from Global Justice she was shown the pictures of Jane's attempt to take Smaug outside.

"Jane did what?" Kim asked in disbelief when Kasy began to tell the story.

"Tried to disguise him," Sheki repeated.

"She got one of Ron's coats on him – didn't fit very well over his wings," Kasy explained.

"The hat," Sheki giggled. "He looked so silly in the hat. Let me show you what he looked like."

"She tried to get pants on him!" Kasy told Kim.

"But his tail—" Kim began.

"Exactly," Kasy laughed. "He should have bitten her. I'm glad Sheki and I never did anything like that."

Kim raised one eyebrow, "Do I need to remind you of some of the stunts you pulled, young lady?"

"Hey, I never said I was perfect," Kasy argued. "But I never tried to put pants on Smaug."

"No, you took off your own pants," Sheki sniped.

"I was three!"

"But you took them—"

"Mom, make her stop telling that story!"

"Mom and Eemah tell it to people."

"Stop that," Kim warned, "both of you."

Overnight the local silk-screen shop was busy with new novelty t-shirts. The front had a cartoonish picture of Smaug and asked the question, "What does a four-hundred pound canary say?" The back of the t-shirt had the answer, "Here, kitty, kitty."


	3. Seeking Revenge May Lead You to Hell

Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from the Kim Possible series are owned by Disney. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage. OCs are my own. The Griswold neighbors were mentioned in _Middleton vs. Possible, Again_. Catlyn is Tim Possible's daughter. NoDrogs created Kasy and Sheki, I changed their origin.

Thanks to LJ58, Jimmy1201 (no one has sketched Smaug, so he's mostly in my head), shthar (he started small but is now over eight feet long - although much of that is tail), A Markov, List of Romantics, Invader Johnny, Dr. Rex Greylin, Neihaera, noncynic, and Sonicthehedgewolf for reviews, and laranzu for a list of typos.

**To Seek Revenge May Lead to Hell, But Everyone Does It and Seldom as Well **

The Possibles' neighbor, Maxene Griswold, and another owner of a previous cat/snack for Smaug were the first witnesses on the stand the next day. Under Byron Judge's careful coaching Mrs. Griswold delivered an unsettling description of watching her beloved pet being devoured.

Shego began her cross examination with an apology, "Mrs. Griswold, I truly am sorry about your cat. I—"

"Well you should be!" the neighbor snapped. "And the way you have every child in Middleton playing in your yard!" She looked to the judge for sympathy. "Honestly, they ruin my flowers. All kinds of balls – footballs, croquet balls, baseballs, Frisbees. I don't eat children, why did that thing have to eat my Logan?"

Shego coughed slightly to catch Mrs. Griswold's attention, "I appreciate the fact you don't eat children. And I also apologize for the damage they do to your flowers. Can we have the older children mow your lawn in partial—"

"You think I'd trust them with a lawnmower? What they do to my flowers?"

"How about raking leaves in—"

"Objection," counselor Judge protested. "Defense attorney is trying to bribe a witness."

"Sustained. Ms. O'Ceallaigh, please be a neighbor on your own time. This is the court's time."

"Sorry, your honor." Shego turned back to the witness. "There were two things I wanted the jury to hear clearly from you. I admit Smaug ate your Logan. But you said that children are often playing in the Possible yard?"

"Of course they are. You know that." She looked at the jury, "I'll bet there are a dozen children there most days after school – playing games and running around. And the noise!"

"Have you seen Smaug out in the yard when children are playing?"

"Many times."

"Does that seem dangerous to you?"

"I don't understand the question."

"The plaintiff has charged Smaug is a dangerous creature. When you see Smaug out in the yard with children do you think to yourself, 'That looks dangerous'?"

The neighbor shrugged. "I never really thought about it. He was small when we moved in, I… I guess the fact he just kept growing… I think if I saw him for the first time, as big as he is now, I would be very worried for the children."

"But having seen him grow up, from a pup—"

"Objection!"

"Sustained."

"But pup doesn't have to mean—"

"Sustained. Please reword your question."

"Having seen Smaug grow up, gradually, you've not been worried about him playing with the children?"

"No."

"Thank you. My second question is, has Smaug himself ever come into your yard?"

Mrs. Griswold thought for a minute, "I really can't be certain… He might have when we first moved in and he was smaller."

"Has he been in your yard since the fence went up?"

"Not that I know of."

"So when Logan died—"

"Died? Say killed and eaten."

"When Smaug killed your Logan and ate him, where did this happen? Did it occur in your yard?"

"You know very well where it happened. It happened by that herb garden behind your house."

"I know where it happened. I just wanted the jury to be clear that Logan was in the Possible backyard when he was killed. Smaug didn't go hunting for Logan in your yard."

"Unlike those children," Maxene snapped.

Byron Judge hoped that after the testimony of two additional 'assassinations,' as he called them, by Smaug he could follow up with circumstantial innuendo, but Shego had figured out his strategy from his witness list and came prepared. On the third question to the witness, "Objection," Shego called. "Is there a shred of evidence to link the disappearance of Mr. Truman's cat with Smaug?"

"Your honor," opposing counsel argued, "we have a established a pattern of Smaug killing Middleton's cats with the three the defendant must admit to. There are certain to have been more."

"Patterns? You want patterns?" Shego asked, waving a manila folder in the air. "Classified ads from papers from New York to Los Angeles, from Minneapolis to New Orleans – all of them reporting missing cats. Some of these are from papers fifty years ago. If there is any pattern with cats it's owners letting them roam free and cats disappearing – unless Mr. Judge wishes to argue that any cat that has disappeared in the United States for the last century met his end at the teeth of Smaug." (At least Shego hoped the intern had done the research he was supposed to and she wasn't waving a file filled with baseball box scores in the air.)

The judge addressed plaintiff's counsel, "Is there any evidence to link the disappearance of Mr. Truman's cat to Smaug?"

"I think the fact Smaug has been shown to have killed three—"

"Evidence, counselor. As defense has stated, cats have a proven tendency to wander. Can you link this cat to Smaug?"

"Well… No."

"Objection sustained. Counselor, do you have any more questions for this witness – other than perhaps providing a heart-rending account of losing a beloved pet – which is what you are trying to do to the Possible children? While Mr. Truman may deserve sympathy for his loss I am quite certain defense will object and point out that it is entirely irrelevant to the present case, and I will sustain that objection as well. Now, anymore questions for the witness?"

"Damn hometown judge," plaintiff's counsel muttered softly.

"I don't believe I heard you," Judge Carnahan stated.

"I said no more questions, your honor."

"Ms. O'Ceallaigh, have you any questions for the witness?"

"While I offer sympathy to Mr. Truman for his loss it has nothing to do with this case. No questions, your honor."

"Very well. Mr. Truman, you are dismissed. Counselor Judge, do you wish to call your next witness?"

"Under the circumstances… No, your honor."

"And the next witness?"

"No, your honor."

Ragsdale v. Possible recessed at noon. Shego returned to her law office to work on other projects. Byron Judge met with the pro-cat lobby to rethink strategy. Judge Carnahan went fishing in the afternoon.

Even though nothing happened at the courthouse that afternoon Smaug did himself no favors by discovering that a door had not been latched properly and ambling out into the yard. There were only a few curious optimists on the sidewalk, most had accepted that Smaug would not be putting in an appearance, but the few there were equipped to take a video record of the sighting. Smaug spent most of the afternoon sunning on the roof of the front porch. The crowd grew in size to watch him sleep, but the damage was caused by the video of him reaching the porch roof.

"Who left the kitchen door unlocked!" Shego demanded when she confronted her daughters that evening.

"Not me," Jane insisted.

"We go out the front door," Sheki reminded her.

"Well someone went out the kitchen door today," Shego retorted hotly. "Did any of you check the weather after breakfast or anything?"

"No." "Nope." "Not me."

"That door didn't open itself."

"You and mom are the two who usually use that door," Kasy argued.

Shego opened her mouth to argue, and shut it. Kasy was right. But 'usually use it' didn't mean they were the only ones to use it. She felt confident she had not left the door unlocked. She was equally confident Kim would claim she hadn't left it unlocked – neither one of them was very good at admitting even the possibility she might have made a mistake.

A jubilant Byron Judge had a projector and screen in place when Shego arrived in court the next day. As soon as the session began the plaintiff's counsel addressed the judge, "Your honor, I have important new evidence-"

"Objection," Shego protested. "Whatever this is wasn't on the list of items given to the defense at discovery."

"This is new, your honor, it only appeared on the web yesterday – but it is relevant to the case."

"From the web?" Shego scoffed. "You want to introduce some nonsense from the web into a court of law?"

"I can bring in the witnesses who saw it," her opponent countered. "Are you really going to argue this is faked?"

Shego hesitated.

"Counselor," the judge addressed Shego, "may I infer from your silence that you both know what the plaintiff plans to show – and also know he can furnish witnesses to the accuracy of the video?"

"I don't know for certain what he's about to show. It could be a Porky Pig cartoon."

"Then please hold your objection until you hear the pig stutter. Objection overruled."

"The defense has argued," Byron Judge told the jury, "that the fence around the Possible home and the signs warning of a poisonous dog resolve the family of all liability in keeping this dangerous cr—"

"Objection."

"Sustained."

"Possibly dangerous creature in Middleton. This video, shot yesterday, raises questions about the worth of the fence as a safety precaution." He turned on the video and waited a couple seconds until the point where... "As this video clearly shows, Smaug is capable to flying and-"

"Objection," Shego protested. "That does not clearly show Smaug can fly."

"Then how is he getting on the porch roof?" Byron Judge demanded

"It's kind of leaping and scrambling."

"Leaping and scrambling?"

"Yes."

"Then why are his wings flapping?"

"Balance."

The video continued to play on as Byron Judge rolled his eyes in practiced disbelief, "Dr. Threde classified Smaug as a bird. I-"

"Objection. Dr. Threde offered his opinion, which he insisted was very preliminary, only under duress."

"Sustained."

"He testified that Smaug's skeletal structure was bird-like, both in pelvic formation and light bones."

"That doesn't mean he can fly."

"This video certainly suggests that he can."

Judge Carnahan sighed, "Do we need another weekend of Dr. Threde and associates examining Smaug to determine if he can fly?"

"Fine, he can fly," Shego snapped. "But he doesn't fly very well and he doesn't leave the yard."

"But he could," Byron Judge argued.

"He doesn't."

"How tall is the fence around the Possible home?"

"Seven and a half feet."

"What is the height of that porch roof?"

"I don't know exactly."

"It appears to me to be a good fifteen feet off the ground." He pointed back at the video, which now had Smaug stretched out and dozing in the afternoon sun.

"Maybe," Shego conceded grudgingly. "But I still say he was scrambling those last few feet to get up there."

"Even if he was, he obviously could clear the fence if he wanted."

"Well, he doesn't want to!"

"He could, and that is obviously a dangerous animal," Judge argued, pointing dramatically to screen. His timing could not have been worse. On the video, just as he pointed towards it, a small flock of birds, probably sparrows, landed on the porch roof. Some landed on the roof itself. Some landed on Smaug. The big fellow simply ignored them as some of the birds hopped around on top of him.

"Obviously a highly dangerous animal to all living creatures," Shego retorted in a sarcastic tone.

"Probably not hungry, had his belly full of cat."

"Objection!"

"Sustained. Jury will disregard Mr. Judge's last comment."

The jury had hopes that Smaug might be called to the witness stand in his own defense, but Shego feared the chance he might bite someone – or leave a steaming dragon pie on the courtroom floor. She chose not to call the DA when she drew up her list of character references for Smaug. He had said he would serve as a witness and was too honest to break his word, but Shego knew there was an election coming and didn't want to give the cat people any reason to vote against Steve. Jane and Catlyn were especially adorable in the role created by Kasy and Sheki years earlier – looking teary-eyed and telling the court how much they loved Smaug.

In his closing arguments Byron Judge emphasized the fact Smaug was a proven cat-killer before moving on to sympathy-evoking tales of beloved pets and what their loss meant to their owner. From there he moved to a vivid scenario of Smaug flying over the fence and terrorizing Middleton – eating dogs and children, breathing fire from the skies—

"Objection, Smaug does not breathe fire."

"Sustained."

Counselor Judge continued with Smaug poisoning the municipal reservoir and knocking over buses with his tail—

"Objection. Plaintiff's counsel seems to have confused Smaug with Godzilla."

"Overruled. It is his right to be overly dramatic during closing arguments – as long as he doesn't add fire-breathing again. Your turn will come in a minute Ms O'Ceallaigh."

"Smaug eats cats," Shego admitted as she began her closing arguments. There was no way to ignore that unpleasant, but proven fact, so it was best to concede the point quickly and move on. "There are really two issues here. The first is the emotional investment in a pet and the trauma of losing that part of your family when you lose your pet. The second is the charge that Smaug represents a danger to the people of Middleton."

"The defense will agree with Mr. Judge on the first point – that it hurts to lose a beloved pet. The Possible family regrets Smaug's unfortunate habit of—"

"Objection, eating cats is more than an unfortunate habit."

"Overruled. You were allowed to be overly dramatic in your summation, counselor. You will allow opposing counsel to be euphemistic in hers."

"The Possibles regret that Smaug finds cats tasty. But Smaug is as much a beloved pet as the cats he has eaten. Whatever action the plaintiff wants to make Middleton safe for wandering cats will deprive the Possible daughters and their friends of a beloved pet. Whether Smaug is killed, or put in a zoo, or sent off to a research lab he will not be allowed to play with the children he loves. I agree with counselor Judge, it is a difficult thing to lose a pet – but I draw a vastly different conclusion from that fact and ask you to find in favor of Smaug."

"On the second point, it is alleged that Smaug is potentially dangerous. Potentially dangerous... There are potential dangers everywhere, it is impossible to protect from every potential danger. We can't even protect from every proven danger. People with peanut allergies die every year, but we don't outlaw peanut butter. Twenty-seven deaths from auto accidents in the Middleton area last year. We don't outlaw automobiles. Nineteen murders, twelve of which involved guns – but guns are not outlawed. Four of them involved the killing of a spouse. We don't outlaw marriage. Dr. Threde said humans are the most dangerous creatures on the planet. Look at a person sitting near you in court today. He or she might pack a car full of explosives and blow up city hall. He or she might have purchased a room full of guns and go on a shooting spree that will leave the neighbors saying, 'Such a quiet man. I can't believe he did that.' Smaug hasn't harmed any person. Small children play with him, and a neighbor who has no love for Smaug admits that fact has never really worried her. Smaug could, in theory, fly over the fence and terrorize someone. If you met him unexpectedly on the street he might seem frightening. There are some big ugly people who walk the streets of Middleton today and can be plenty frightening if you meet them on a dark street. We don't lock people up for being big and ugly."

"If you say Smaug should be removed from the Possible children because he might cause a problem will you stand aside as they take away your automobiles? Guns? Cast iron skillets? Baseball bats? Scissors? Peanut butter? Chain saws? Where does the madness end? Out-of-date milk has hurt more people than Smaug. I have refrained from saying a word against the late Mr. Muffy Mittens as opposing counsel has labeled Smaug a danger to the community on a level which could end civilization as we know it. I have not spoken a word against the cat in question because I do believe that Mrs. Ragsdale was hurt by his death – as surely as I believe the Possible children will mourn if you find their pet a menace to society. But what do we really know about the late Mr. Muffy Mittens – if that was his real name? I didn't know the cat myself. I can't give an opinion on whether he was a good cat or bad. I'm sure Mrs. Ragsdale loved him, and he may have been worthy of her affection. But the preliminary study of Smaug suggests that on the afternoon of Mr. Muffy Mittens' death he was on the prowl for something small and helpless to kill. He crept into the Possible yard, murder on his—"

"Objection."

"Overruled. I gave you your moment of high drama, please allow Ms. O'Ceallaigh the same chance for courtroom theater."

"The murder of some small, helpless prey filled the mind of Mr. Muffy Mittens as he crept through the grass – licking his lips in anticipation of the kill. But instead of finding something easy to slaughter he found Smaug and suffered the same fate he had planned for another living creature. Owners of cats may excuse their pets' behavior by saying, 'it is their nature.' But if it is their nature, and therefore pardonable, isn't Smaug to be equally excused for his taste for cat flesh?"

"Every year or two you read of someone climbing into a zoo cage to hug a grizzly bear or pet a tiger. We don't blame the animal for what it does. If you excuse cats for eating birds and rabbits you should be equally forgiving for a creature that finds cats tasty."

Judge Carnahan charged the jury to weigh the facts they had been presented and try to set aside personal feelings and judge the merits of the evidence in the case. The jurors filed from the courtroom to begin their deliberations. Late in the afternoon they reported to the bailiff that they had reached consensus, but the judge decided it was too late in the day to call everyone back to the courthouse.

"Well?" Kim demanded that night during dinner.

"In the bag," Shego assured her.

To spectators in the courtroom the next morning it appeared obvious that Shego had more confidence than Byron Judge. He seemed irritated and ill-at-ease as everyone was asked to stand as Judge Carnahan entered and court was called into session.

Their demeanors changed dramatically as the foreman began to report the findings of the jury. "Mrs. Ragsdale did love her cat. We don't really know how you put a price tag on that, but for compensatory damages we recommend a million dollars. In-"

"What?" Shego almost screamed.

"Ms. O'Ceallaigh, you will sit down and let the jury finish its findings."

"But-"

"Down."

The intern tugged on the back of Shego's jacket and Byron Judge beamed broadly as Shego sat down with a scowl.

"In regard to punitive damages… We couldn't find any good reason to call Smaug a threat and assign any. On the counter suit, that this was pretty much a frivolous suit… Yeah. We agreed. We think the Ragsdale side should pay the Possibles a million dollars for putting them through this—"

"That's absurd," counselor Judge bellowed. "If we get compensatory damages you can't give—"

"Sit down, Mr. Judge," judge Carnahan told him. "As I told Ms. O'Ceallaigh you need to let the jury finish its conclusions. And I will remind you that you were the one who insisted on a jury, please do not doubt their wisdom now."

"Now, about compensatory damages for the Possibles," the foreman of the jury continued, "since they had to fight a lawsuit... We didn't really know if this was legal. Can we recommend that the Ragsdale side pay the Possible legal bills - as long as Mrs. Ragsdale doesn't have to pay a penny out of her own pocket? I mean, it seems like other people were putting her up to it and she did lose her cat and everything. So... Anyway, that's what we thought."

Judge Carnahan wasn't sure if he should laugh or cry, "I don't think I've ever heard such a recommendation before from a jury. It sounds absolutely fair, moderately impractical, and quite possibly outside the bounds of the law. I will have to study some precedents before I can fix the penalties, but I will work as closely as I can within your recommendations. I thank you for your time and the effort you put into your decision."

"I will appeal this," Byron Judge threatened at the end of the trial - knowing that he wouldn't.

* * *

"So Smaug is safe?" Kim asked that evening.

"Apparently – at least as long he's only a potential danger and doesn't get it into his head to start breathing fire or something."

"Yea Smaug," Jane squealed, and hugged the startled dragon around the neck. In his surprise he opened his mouth and green beans fell out.

"All right," Kim demanded, "who is not eating her green beans?"

"Mine are still on my plate," Sheki pointed out.

"I haven't had them yet," Jane argued.

Kim looked over, the green beans were gone from the plates of both Shego and Kasy.

"I gave him some green beans while I was helping make dinner," Kasy insisted. "Right, Eemah?"

"Absolutely," Shego agreed. As soon as Kim looked away the green woman whispered, "Fast thinking."

"Thanks," Kasy whispered in reply.

* * *

On a trip to the courthouse the following week Shego found judge Carnahan in his chambers. "Got the final paperwork done on Ragsdale vs Possible?" she asked cheerily.

He scowled at her and pointed to a folder on his desk. "I had to borrow two extra law clerks to try and find a precedent of any kind. Why don't you just call it even and let it go?"

"The jury said they were supposed to pay our legal fees."

"Did a penny of that come out of your pocket?"

"That's not the point."

"Well if it is compensatory damages that is supposed to be the point."

She smiled, "Well, I'll just depend on your legal wisdom to get that straightened out. I actually had another question."

"Yes…"

"Does Middleton require licenses for pet birds?"

"Counselor, I know where you're going. And if you ask for reimbursement for years of buying dog licenses you are going to be hit with the biggest contempt of court ruling in the history of the free world. The damn thing is a bird dog until it starts breathing fire."

-The End-


End file.
